Tuesday, October 15, 2013

The Frightening Force of the Future.

I think I may have finally come to that point in my life where the concept of the future is dauntingly scary to me. As deadlines approach near for college applications and essays to be written, I become more and more confused as to what the heck I'm doing. While my friends around me have already starting applying and even being accepted to schools, I'm sitting here like "Why the monkey am I not doing anything?" I mean, some of these girls are dumber than I am and are still getting accepted while I have yet to apply.

I started out thinking that I wanted to do something in the terms of fashion and theatre. I had two prospective areas of interest in terms of location: Washington and California. In Washington, I'm looking at Western Washington Uni. and Cornish, and then in California, I'm looking at Fashion Institute of Design/Merchandising. And when I say look at, I mean touring the schools in the next couple of weeks. The problem is, I'm having all these second guesses. The future, once bright and full of endless possibilities, seems like a daunting issue that I don't want to tackle. It may just be my mood today and the fact that I am literally starving as I write this (ok, maybe not in the literal literal sense), but I feel kind of lost and deflated. Deadlines are coming up within the next month and I don't even have a clue how or where to apply! Maybe this is due to homeschooling and me not making an effort to ask or inquire, but I just thought it would be easier. I always looked upon seniors as a young'un and thought "I'll never ever reach that point in where I have to make decisions like that" and then here I am and avoiding the whole idea. 

Also, although I praise the rain endlessly, I do get tired of too much of a good thing. Especially now that the days are getting darker and the promise of winter around the corner, I'm just not ready! I'm alone a lot, especially with me being home schooled and sometimes it's difficult to stay happy. And napping! My goodness, I have this awful cycle where I nap for three hours a day because I'm bored. I need to find some inspiration somewhere to keep me happy. 

Maybe my problem is my attitude on the whole thing. Like with the whole school thing- Instead of seeing it as an opportunity to grow and expand as an individual, I see it as a time-consuming difficult task that I'm too lazy to bother with. Instead of seeing this as a new step into becoming a more mature women, I'm seeing it as a barrier to my safe and routine ways. That's it, I think. I think I just need to open my mind to the possibility of exciting things and breathe because there are hundreds and thousands of other teens out there going through the same exact thing as me and they somehow manage to pull through. An as far as the loneliness with being alone, I beed to find some activities that keep me positive, yoga being my favoite. A new attitude, that's what I need I think.

What I wore: white long sleeved GAP cardigan (used), mustard WILD SALMON tank (purchased at my yoga studio), red ALEXANDER WANG shorts (used), navy sheer tights, and khaki WET SEAL ankle booties (worn in fashion show). 

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